Category Archives: food

Subway’s New Orchard Chicken Salad Sandwich

It’s hard to understand the concept of a limited time sandwich from a sandwich franchise. I imagine there is probably a secret laboratory deep within the┬álabyrinthine┬ábasements of the Subway headquarters where mutant culinary scientists sit around a bong and try to conceive of the strangest but most pleasant tastes with the fewest calories and grams of fat. The Subway New Orchard Chicken Salad Sandwich is not the result of their drug-addled endeavors, and its name isn’t their best work either.

The chicken salad sandwich is served much like the tuna salad sandwich in that the chicken salad is globbed onto the bread in tiny spheres with an ice cream scoop. It has a strange taste vaguely akin to unicorn placenta. It has rasins, little globs of chicken by product, and some sauce that one of the deranged Subway scientists invented by accident one time when he tried to cook crystal meth. It is surprisingly delicious.

The other ingredients taste like the vegetables and cheese and bread that they are. The freshness of the vegetables of course varies from Subway franchise to Subway franchise.

The salad is not as hearty as the Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwich, or even the Sweet Onion Chicken Teryaki sandwich that nobody puts sweet onion sauce on. It is not very filling. But this sandwich is priced at $5 per foot. No matter which Subway sandwich you get, that’s a good deal for a lunch. Even this absurd idea of a sandwich is no exception.

Like all great fast food franchise novelty foods, the Orchard Chicken Salad Sandwich is worth trying, if only for a taste of the derangement that lurks within the taste buds of those who invent this kind of thing. This one result is particularly enjoyable. But maybe that’s just because the other ingredients are fresh and delicious–usually.


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There is a fast food restaurant off Union Square in New York City where yuppie scum have subverted the concept of the hot dog.

The place is located off 17th street. It’s named Dogmatic, which is a clever name because they sell hot dogs (get it?). What they’ve done to the idea of putting meat on a bun is atrocious.

They sell gourmet sausages. They put it on expensive bread. Yuppies salivate at these two things.

The bread is a baguette. They use the baguette as a hot dog bun.

How do they use a baguette, a rather crusty bread that doesn’t bend laterally as a bun to enclose a piece of meat?

They put the meat inside the baguette.

They literally drill a hole into the baguette and stuff the sausage in the hole coitally.

And then they pour sauce and cheese inside.

The result is something that is wrong in terrible, Freudian ways. The baguette is not tasty as a hot dog bun, and it is not efficient. Juice inevitably ejaculates out of cracks in the baguette, spurting all over your hands and lips.

Dogmatic calls this abomination a “sausage dog,” a name that is somehow both redundant and an oxymoron. It contains ingredients Yuppies love, claims to be healthy and made of animals that weren’t tortured or injected with hormones. It also tastes exactly like Yuppie cock.

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