Category Archives: beverages

Drank Anti-Energy Drink

Drank is an anti-energy drink, which means that it does the opposite of an energy drink. Instead of  making you more alert, awake and hyper, it makes you relaxed, drowsy, and comatose.

Because of the drink’s cool graphic design and clever advertising slogans, it has been described by a scientist quoted on Wikipedia as, “The worst thing I’ve seen on the street since the making of candy cigarettes.” Apparently it’s a bad thing to market drinks to children that will put them in drugged stupors.

The active ingredients of Drank are rose hips, melatonin, and valerian root. These are natural sedatives. In the tradition of our modern culture, a cleverly named company called Innovative Beverage Group Inc. decided to chemically process them into a carbonated drink.

The drink works. It makes you relaxed and drowsy. But it is no more effective than chewing valerian root or drinking rose hip tea, and it tastes a hell of a lot worse.

It has a faintly artificial grapelike taste, like grape flavored fluoride at a dentist’s office, but more sugary. Fortunately, this taste is relatively mild, and it is mostly overpowered by the carbonation. There is no aftertaste.

The effects of Drank become interesting when it is mixed with alcohol. The effects of the valerian become apparent, and will induce severe wooziness. Wikipedia warns that this combination could be lethal. It is not a pleasant sensation.

Drank can, however, be used as a painkiller. I suffered some severe injuries two weeks ago, and one can of Drank has helped subside their pain. According to those who use herbal remedies instead of chemically processed beverages, valerian and rose hips are supposed to be useful as natural painkillers. They work fine in Drank too. The drink is especially effective when mixed with codeine.

That last sentence is not funny because, apparently, the beverage was inspired as a legal alternative to something called “purple drank,” which according to Wikipedia is a recreational drug “popular in the hip-hop community in the southern United States” made primarily from prescription cough syrup containing codeine. I have taken prescription cough syrup in the past and have never had a particularly awesome time while doing so. I don’t see the appeal.

And so I have to wonder who thought it would be a good idea to mix several naturally occurring sedatives together in a foul-tasting carbonated beverage. Why is this better than consuming valerian or rose hips or melatonin in their natural forms? Why is this drink necessary?

It’s not. It was made because someone thought it would be cool. It was made as an easy-t0-buy alternative to a stupid drink containing prescription cough syrup.

It’s no more necessary than, say, an energy drink.

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Monster Energy Drink

Monster is the only energy drink that works for people who aren’t sissies.

Each can contains 16 fluid ounces of sugar, vitamin B, caffeine, taurine, and amphetamines specifically designed to give heart attacks to farm animals. This concentration of drugs, chemicals, and sugar should be enough to set an average person’s heart racing, perhaps fatally.

Sleep-deprived caffeine addicts like myself are lucky to become mildly more alert, which is more of a reaction than we get from wussy energy drinks like Red Bull.

After all, cans of Monster are twice as big as average Red Bull cans for the same price, which means that they have twice as much energy-boosting power. Also, the graphic design of their logo is twice as hardcore and intimidating.

The stuff that comes inside each Monster can tastes exactly like sugar mixed with assorted chemicals. Once you get past the carbonation, you can recognize that it tastes a lot like bubble gum, except caffeinated.

But the taste doesn’t matter. What matters is the power you’ll get from drinking this stuff. Overcaffeinated people with psychological disorders like myself will perk up after a can or two or three. Normal people will become anxious, agitated, and possibly suffer cardiac arrest after a few sips.

By this measure, Monster is a solid drink. Solid drinks are defined by their being tests of endurance. Whiskey and motor oil are other examples of solid drinks.

Speaking of which, Monster also works well when combined with hard alcohol. It mixes well with vodka, which has no taste, and with whiskey, which makes it taste a bit like cherry cola or cough syrup.

Either way, Monster makes those who consume it feel less drunk and more hyper. This means that they’re more likely to reckless things, which is always fun.

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Coors – 24 oz

The best thing about Coors beer is that you can swallow it.

It’s the cheapest beer in New York City, which means that most people in New York City think that Coors is utter shit.

It is. This beer probably has a flavor, but I have long since desensitized myself to it. When I drink Coors anymore, I just taste a generic beer flavor. After a few cans, I don’t taste anything.

But I love Coors. I love Coors because it comes in 24oz cans for $1.25 at most bodegas in outlying boroughs, which means that it has more beer for less money than a 40oz bottle of Miller High Life for $2.50. If you’re doing the math–and, dammit, this is a recession we’re living in–that’s cheaper.

Aside from the price, Coors doesn’t have a whole lot more going for it.

Not long ago, Budweiser sponsored an ad campaign with a simple tagline: DRINKABILITY. Roughly, Budweiser was advertising the fact that people are able to swallow their beer. Coors has had no such ad campaign. Unlike other terrible beers like Pabst Blue Ribbon or Miller, Coors doesn’t claim that their beer is good. They don’t even claim, like Budweiser, that you won’t retch while clutching your stomach upon pouring some of their foul liquid into your mouth.

The company probably knows how bad it is.

Instead, Coors hired a bunch of rocket scientists to invent a beer can that changes color based on how cold its contents are. There is a mountain on every Coors can. If the can is cold enough, the mountain will turn blue. This is the basis for their latest ad campaign.

I have mostly found this temperature indicator to be irrelevant, as Coors tastes about the same no matter how warm or flat it is.

But I will continue drinking Coors. Mostly because it’s cheap and I have taught myself how to swallow it.

Cheers.

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