Drank Anti-Energy Drink


Drank is an anti-energy drink, which means that it does the opposite of an energy drink. Instead of  making you more alert, awake and hyper, it makes you relaxed, drowsy, and comatose.

Because of the drink’s cool graphic design and clever advertising slogans, it has been described by a scientist quoted on Wikipedia as, “The worst thing I’ve seen on the street since the making of candy cigarettes.” Apparently it’s a bad thing to market drinks to children that will put them in drugged stupors.

The active ingredients of Drank are rose hips, melatonin, and valerian root. These are natural sedatives. In the tradition of our modern culture, a cleverly named company called Innovative Beverage Group Inc. decided to chemically process them into a carbonated drink.

The drink works. It makes you relaxed and drowsy. But it is no more effective than chewing valerian root or drinking rose hip tea, and it tastes a hell of a lot worse.

It has a faintly artificial grapelike taste, like grape flavored fluoride at a dentist’s office, but more sugary. Fortunately, this taste is relatively mild, and it is mostly overpowered by the carbonation. There is no aftertaste.

The effects of Drank become interesting when it is mixed with alcohol. The effects of the valerian become apparent, and will induce severe wooziness. Wikipedia warns that this combination could be lethal. It is not a pleasant sensation.

Drank can, however, be used as a painkiller. I suffered some severe injuries two weeks ago, and one can of Drank has helped subside their pain. According to those who use herbal remedies instead of chemically processed beverages, valerian and rose hips are supposed to be useful as natural painkillers. They work fine in Drank too. The drink is especially effective when mixed with codeine.

That last sentence is not funny because, apparently, the beverage was inspired as a legal alternative to something called “purple drank,” which according to Wikipedia is a recreational drug “popular in the hip-hop community in the southern United States” made primarily from prescription cough syrup containing codeine. I have taken prescription cough syrup in the past and have never had a particularly awesome time while doing so. I don’t see the appeal.

And so I have to wonder who thought it would be a good idea to mix several naturally occurring sedatives together in a foul-tasting carbonated beverage. Why is this better than consuming valerian or rose hips or melatonin in their natural forms? Why is this drink necessary?

It’s not. It was made because someone thought it would be cool. It was made as an easy-t0-buy alternative to a stupid drink containing prescription cough syrup.

It’s no more necessary than, say, an energy drink.

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2 Comments

Filed under beverages

2 responses to “Drank Anti-Energy Drink

  1. Countess

    You might also like the NeuroSleep and it’s good friend the NeuroGasm. (I just like the name of that one, really)

    http://drinkneuro.com/

  2. Excellent article! We are linking to this particularly great post on our
    site. Keep up the good writing.

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