Monster is the only energy drink that works for people who aren’t sissies.
Each can contains 16 fluid ounces of sugar, vitamin B, caffeine, taurine, and amphetamines specifically designed to give heart attacks to farm animals. This concentration of drugs, chemicals, and sugar should be enough to set an average person’s heart racing, perhaps fatally.
Sleep-deprived caffeine addicts like myself are lucky to become mildly more alert, which is more of a reaction than we get from wussy energy drinks like Red Bull.
After all, cans of Monster are twice as big as average Red Bull cans for the same price, which means that they have twice as much energy-boosting power. Also, the graphic design of their logo is twice as hardcore and intimidating.
The stuff that comes inside each Monster can tastes exactly like sugar mixed with assorted chemicals. Once you get past the carbonation, you can recognize that it tastes a lot like bubble gum, except caffeinated.
But the taste doesn’t matter. What matters is the power you’ll get from drinking this stuff. Overcaffeinated people with psychological disorders like myself will perk up after a can or two or three. Normal people will become anxious, agitated, and possibly suffer cardiac arrest after a few sips.
By this measure, Monster is a solid drink. Solid drinks are defined by their being tests of endurance. Whiskey and motor oil are other examples of solid drinks.
Speaking of which, Monster also works well when combined with hard alcohol. It mixes well with vodka, which has no taste, and with whiskey, which makes it taste a bit like cherry cola or cough syrup.
Either way, Monster makes those who consume it feel less drunk and more hyper. This means that they’re more likely to reckless things, which is always fun.